More stories and lessons inspired by clips, pics and bad accents from SNAP! (2001)

.......More stories and lessons inspired by clips, pics and bad accents from SNAP! (2001)

A little German, French, Russian concoction straight from the Dick Van Dyke school of accent training for ya ladies and gents! Who knows what that was, but hell it's been almost 20 years! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inQrHLX0qmc

It's also taken me that long to share these videos publicly, precisely because of small, silly self-judgements and doubts like that that feed on our potential. I figured, well Canadians are just going to laugh me out of the room and I wouldn't be caught dead on one of their stages unless the choices I made were perfectly coherent with the standards I imagined I'd be surrounded by (notice how I fail miserably at recognizing I was taking all the fun out of the spontaneous creative process...and turning it into this rigid thing that had to fit like a jigsaw puzzle piece). I felt very insecure about moving here and the ridiculous assumption that I'd be received with an “Oh bless his heart, how quaint!” (Isn't it crazy how we allow ourselves to crumble when we play comparisons and have expectations of ourselves like that?) That's exactly what I did when I moved to Vancouver in 2003 (the original state of confidence I'd arrived with lasted a good 5 month long honeymoon period before it started to unravel). I saw the level of talent and got sucked up in the intimidation of it all. I literally gave away a considerable amount of my power which I'd lived with my whole life up until then. I used to stand on a stage on my own terms but suddenly put myself at the mercy of the talent pool here that would dictate what was worthy and what was not. I'd been a leader and over night I switched to a raggedy desperate sheep that lived entirely fuelled by its shepherds’ praise and approval. Cowering at the back of the herd just waiting for an easier opening in the crowd. It crippled me. Most auditions were nauseating nightmare experiences where I lacked focus on the work and instead obsessed over the casting directors' prospective judgements of this new unworthy and inexperienced immigrant. (I know, THE DRAMA OF IT ALL!! But trust me, if anything, I'm holding back.)

It wasn't until 9 years after I'd moved to Canada that I felt worthy of sharing the stage with insanely talented performers who embraced what I had to share. That was the week I saw the ad for "The Rocky Horror Show" auditions and something snapped!! I was determined to play Franknfurter and for it to be my ultimate showcase and somehow found the strength to drill that reality home and allow it to manifest. Sometimes I think there's this mystical power that comes over us when we've simply had enough of feeling overly affected and miserable for so long. We somehow convince ourselves that we have very little to lose at that particular point. I’ve been awakened by that force every 4 or 5 years like completed life cycles.

You see, growing up in Kuwait…the tiniest of bubbles… in a neighbourhood with a rich cultural scene and attending a British expat school that nurtured my performance bug early on, it was easier to feel like a big fish in a small pond. Obviously this may not have been other people's reality but that's besides the point because it was mine and it fuelled me. At age 4, I was the only boy in ballet and was raised to believe I was the best at most things I attempted, except for soccer....that’s where most of my bullies bloomed. I mean, when you consider that I was in red ballet shoes whilst they were in cleats.....category is, 'Bullying 101' realness!! Dance, art, gymnastics, singing, acting etc…even track and field… I was winning, placing or recommended for everything I attempted. I’ll never forget being pulled out of class in the 4th grade by Mrs Aubrey, the school’s head of drama, and asked if I'd like to play one of the main roles in the upcoming 6th grade play....THE 6TH GRADE PLAAAAYYY!!! I used to watch those plays and daydream...the 6th grade performers were my heroes! I also remember stepping out on the ice for the first time at age 8ish and heading straight for the centre, deliberately avoiding the railing. My parents’ eyes widened yet again and yes, a private figure skating coach would be in my life for the next few weeks (trust me, insert all necessary past and future eye rolls here and get them out of the way). "Pampered" and "privileged" are 2 appropriate words that describe me at that age. “Enabled” also because I was all over the place and can’t remember being noticeably discouraged (we do tend to have a selective memory though don’t we?). But throw in the bullies and what you get is a kid who immediately knew his strengths and used them to get approval from those that laughed at him. At parties, I found myself catering to everyone that wanted to see tricks and moves. I got cheered on when I flipped or spun. That was the ammunition I used to be loved and accepted. Without it, I was just a meek sissy boy who walked and talked funny and got pushed around in the playground. Art and performance were my super powers! 

I was also recently reminded of a childhood memory that shed a bit of light on a few things that I'd been struggling to understand.  When I was moving to the 3rd grade, my 2nd grade teacher, who adored me, decided to take my new 3rd grade teacher aside and tell her that I was one to watch out for and that she was going to like me. That year was elementary school hell because, for whatever reason, she was determined to prove my 2nd grade teacher wrong. I'd apparently come home often in tears because she would use that information against me. Whenever she was disappointed and she somehow found many a reason to be, I'd hear "Where's that star pupil that I was told about? I guess they were wrong" ...and other asinine comments on those lines. My relationship with ‘expectations’ and ‘comparisons’ has been abysmal until today and though everything’s a combination of nature and nurture, these early childhood experiences play a huge role in who I've always been. The skill I'm worst at is learning how to validate myself without the need for external accolades. I grew up being conditioned with enough external praise to rely on it entirely...albeit not consciously of course. It made perfect sense to me (and still does if I’m not careful) that if I wasn't receiving traditional approval, I wasn't worthy of it, and therefore my work was not up to standard, plain and simple. I obviously know that there’s a hell of a lot more to it than that but that self acceptance/love and validation were skills I’d never possessed or remember being taught and it all gave birth to my chronic perfectionism. Other mental barriers that play a huge role would eventually arise but I'll leave those for another time.

Cut to all these decades later and even after I'd landed the lead in "The Rocky Horror Show" after doing what I consider the audition of my life….I was suddenly reminded of those years back in elementary school. This was just under a year after "Rocky" when I decided that I would put myself out there, now that my confidence had finally reared its head and do a few songs at ‘Singular Sensations’ which was a popular open mic night in the village (Toronto), hosted by the amazingly talented Jennifer Walls. I'd decided to do my own rendition of "The Ladies who Lunch" and was locked, loaded and ready to head there with my sheet music. I was surprised to discover that the brilliant Kelly Holiff who'd played Magenta (also the assistant director of the show) to my Franknfurter, was hosting the open mic that particular night which was an equally great thing. Kelly and I worked beautifully together so it was good to be in familiar hands. She’d eventually motion to me, asking whether I'd like to go next...so I nodded and she let me know that she wanted to first tell a story before bringing me on. She proceeded to tell this generous story of how they hadn't been looking for a Franknfurter yet and were about to hold a wider Toronto audition until I walked through the door in my full-on Frank regalia. She described how I hadn't broken character, queued the accompanist, tapped my right heal a few times and then turned and delivered a killer audition. She told the crowd that they were lucky to have me here in Toronto and that they were all in for a treat. Umm wow! Did NOT expect that....was hoping for a few sweet words but NOT that. After she'd talked me up, I swallowed real hard and stepped up to the mic in time to respond to Donovan LeNabat's (the accompanist) comment "Wow, you better be good after that praise (ouch, that again!)…..so would you like to do 'Sweet Transvestite' like the audition or are we still going with this song?" Trying to be cool and collected, I shrugged off the smart idea he'd just thrown at me and foolishly said "No, let's do this new one, we can do the other one later if there's time"...."Ooook!" Never in my life had I experienced that type of cotton mouth fear in front of a N. American crowd. And mind you, it was a lovely and very small N. American crowd....but 'awful' does not do my internal chaos any justice...it was hell and it lasted forever in my muddled head. A quarter of the way through, I noticed that I'd pretty much thrown in the towel already and instead of stopping, laughing it off, asking for a glass of water and starting again....I continued to sabotage myself, buckle, crumble and fade away. I couldn't even remember the words at the end and replaced them with "and remind me never to make a mistake like this again”....or something on those lines...stepped off the stage to sporadic, awkward applause, escaped to the washroom, avoiding Kelly's eyes and left immediately once I’d returned. I allowed that incident to push me right back where I’d been before I spotted the Rocky audition notice. I was morbidly embarrassed and felt like I’d erased all my hard work in one swoop. In all fairness, I was aware that the opportunity to redeem myself was always available with open arms (well maybe I didn't imagine them with open arms) but I felt so paralyzed that it took me a few more years to allow myself to resurface as a performer. 'Anxiety' isn't a word I've thrown around yet but it's one I imagine you've picked up on by now and deems me useless when it speaks louder than my rational mind that had already acquired some incredibly valuable tools by then. It is however beyond challenging to access them while you’re already stuck in mid avalanche. 

Some of you may be wondering why I’m being so candid about my mental health and the unhealthy relationship I've had and continue to often have with myself and others....I’m neither regretting nor berating myself and I'm neither accusing nor berating my teachers, friends or family, this isn’t one of those posts, everyone around me did the best that they could with what they had to work with…..but knowledge is power and understanding your patterns is beyond powerful. I also just want to practice a more vulnerable honesty in the hopes that it would help me continue to grow and may help someone else shed some light on the things that make them break and live in debilitating fear. I’m way better today precisely because I don’t blame anyone but my own perspective and the way my brain has been wired neurologically and circumstantially. I’m also better because I’ve acquired tools that have allowed me to bring knowledge and wisdom into my life that help shine a light on my shortcomings and turn them into strengths (will share some of these tools in future posts). These videos are old, beautiful memories that come with a lot of lessons and pain but that’s what they are and that’s who I was….they neither need to be great nor necessarily sad and deserving of lament, they just are what they are without all the bells and whistles based on who I was born as and the circumstances that surrounded that time and place… and in that they’re great….I don't think they take away from the beauty but I now have the opportunity to become a stronger person because of these insights and vulnerability that help snap me out of all my states of denial and shame. They also help me understand why I judge and place the expectations I do on others...at times, suffocating my relationships. I want to continue to learn how to live my best life and if I’m going to be teaching my students to view their “mistakes” as “golden opportunities” then I better be applying that to my life too and finding a way to welcome the imperfections with open arms and look forward to them with the wisdom that they will all merge as a step ladder towards my own growth and happiness. Not my unattainable future happiness but the happiness that already exists in just being and knowing myself.